Without further ado, I give you Season 6.0…

Hey, guess what. Jezebel/Gawker has a blog going about Sex and the City. It’s called “Living ViCarrieously,” and this girl is watching 36 straight hours of Sex and the City. Or rather, she’s finished now, but I can’t seem to find any postings beyond Season Three (I was so hungry for validation, I hallucinated a blog).

There’s also a link to a NYTimes article about a 27-year-old who believes she is the reincarnation of Carrie Bradshaw. But she can’t afford Manolos so she wears Steve Maddens — this is as bad as Candies, no? There’s some talk about the same “young girl in Manhattan” myth as well as discussion of a novel by Edith Wharton.

Because she idolizes Candice Bushnell and USES THE SHOW AS A ROAD MAP FOR HER OWN LIFE, this girl is what’s known as a “Scary Sadshaw,” to high-jack the term from Jezebel/Gawker folks.

I had to stop reading Gawker in recent months because they had almost daily posts about the SATC movie, and I can’t have that. But I’m really glad I happened to tune in and find the ViCarrieously stuff. It makes me feel not-crazy.

Still not sure what my plans are for the movie. I know I’m going to see it a second time, alone, on Sunday night as close to 8 p.m. as I can find a showing, and I’m going to bring a pen and my little notebook (yep, I’m a geek). But as for premiere watching, I’m torn. There is an 11:55 p.m. showing at the Drafthouse on Thursday, which would make me one of the first “real” people to see it. If you order a Cosmopolitan, which of course I will, you get to keep the novelty glass, and since I just broke my Jack Daniels tumbler by plunging it into a block of congealed ice cubes, the glassware would be nice. However, I do have a job to be at the next morning, and a midnight showing in Austin would put me in bed at 4 a.m. And then it’s like, why bother going to sleep at all?

I had planned to have watched Season Six in it’s entirety by now, but life gets in the way. So I’ll watch the second half of the season (eight episodes that aired separately) this week before the movie comes out. I may even do it marathon style, as an ode to Gawker.

My conservative doesn't have anything to do with wearing pearls.

Episode One: to market, to market

The whole Charlotte becoming a Jew theme…SJP tells people that she and Matthew Broderick are “culturally Jewish.” Huh? Can I be culturally agnostic? That seems convenient; I believe in God, but I don’t want to follow any commandments.

Oh, the Aidan with a baby thing. This is sort of like that moment with Miranda when Steve asks her if she got the invitation. It just sucks the wind right out of you.

The thing is, there’s such a role reversal going on here. Imagine Carrie running into Aidan if she were heavily pregnant and had that whole with-child glow. I bet that stirs up some sort of primal anger in the male of the species — if our purpose is to propagate, then it must have really pissed off the cave men to see a former mate carrying another male’s child. Maybe?

But it’s Aidan, and he’s got the baby in a pouch. And when Carrie walks up, the baby squeals and looks really happy to be part of the hug. Or maybe that was because SJP was still a lactating female at that point?

Okay, this posting is turning into Sex Ed 101, so I’m going to move on.

…because I was a sex columnist, I was resourceful, and I was drunkity-drunk-drunk.

Episode Two: great sexpectations

Ah, Berger. MPK is saying in his commentary that Berger was brought on the show because they wanted to put Carrie with someone like her – a wry writer. Ha.

Apparently the sales girl in La Perla got that part because she was such a huge fan of the show.

Okay, I always realized there were some similarities between my two favorite TV heroines, Carrie Bradshaw and Veronica Mars (“annoy, tiny blond one, annoy like the wind”). But this episode, for some reason, I almost forgot what show I was watching because SJP resembled Kristen Bell so closely. I don’t know what it was, maybe the side ponytail.

MPK says that Carrie hitting Berger in the face with her furry shoe was not scripted, but Ron Livingston just played it out. Nice.

Why did I have to get up on my sassy horse?

Episode Four: pick-a-little, talk-a-little

Oh dear God. This is the “he’s just not that into you” episode. Boo. Hiss.

I didn’t think it was clever the first time around, and if I had known that the writer of this episode was going to write a book with that line as the title, I would have hated it more. No! Bad writer. But this guy obviously thinks he’s on to something clever, and now he’s being validated by Hollywood because they’re making this shit into a movie. Groan.

And about that sassy horse…this is the worst of the worst annoying SJP episodes. When Berger first says that line to Miranda, Carrie squeals. Then she tells Berger about the “scccccu-rrrrunch-eee.” Then she has to butter him up by saying how much she loved to book, referring to the “lampposts…landmarks…mileposts.” And she’s supposed to be a writer?

And finally, there’s the hat, which Berger insults and she retorts “it’s fabulous,” yet she takes the damn thing off. Wonder if the London premiere hat was a nod to this episode, when someone finally calls Carrie on her bullshit fashion.

I’m on a hater roll, so here’s some Charlottey goodness: “I gave up Christ for you,” “Set the date! Set the date!” and “Do you know how lucky you are to have me?”

On the plus side: You can barely hear it, but Smith tells Samantha he was “fucked up for like eight years in Seattle.” Oooh, a Kurt Cobain backstory to go with the Kurt Cobain hair. Seriously, I know Smith is on the show to give viewers my age a little eye-candy, but this guy is so hot that he’s painful to look at.

I can't keep working like this. I'm going to have to cut way back…to 50 hours a week. 55 tops.

Episode Six: hop, skip and a week

This is the “Berger leaves Carrie with a post-it” episode. I’m annoyed because I don’t think the Berger arc was ever resolved. If they’re so much alike, then shouldn’t there be more soul-searching on Carrie’s part? Instead, it’s all just about what he does wrong. Maybe he was in the show to demonstrate how perfect Carrie has become and now she just needs to find the perfect man. I don’t know, but they didn’t do justice to Office Space guy.

They're not strangers. They're our new friends with pot.

Episode Seven: the post-it always sticks twice

Okay, I’m going to try to tread very lightly here. There’s this whole Sex and the City tour industry, and places that are featured on the show can kind of become NYC destinations for tourists from the “fly-over regions,” such as where I currently live and blog. MPK even said in one commentary that because the SATC girls went to Raw and didn’t like it, the raw food movement never caught on. Ass. But that’s a whole other can of worms.

The reason I bring this up is because of Bed (“If that last place was called Bed, this should be called Smell”). It’s a real club, and I know this because two fellow Texans I know have been there. One of them said it was really exclusive and you had to be selected to get inside. Oh, God, how do I say this without being a bitch?

If it was featured on a TV show, and probably owes it’s staying power to said TV show, then I really don’t think it’s a place where real New Yorkers are clamoring to get inside. I mean, Bed? A little gimmicky, don’t you think? And I love my friends and I think they are great, but I’m not a member of the “glitteratti” and neither are they. If two gals from Texas on their second trip to NYC are chosen to move beyond the velvet rope, then I’m tempted to say that the “exclusivity” is a facade, or is artificially created in order to skew the pussy ratio inside the club.

Oh, what am I saying? I’m just totally jealous that I’ve never been to Bed.

Miranda says she was wearing her skinny jeans the last time she smoked pot, which would have been in the 80s, but she smoked pot with Carrie and Samantha in Hot Child in the City.

“Carrie, don’t Bogart this split,” — awesome.

Just her nails and her shoes…both acrylic.

Episode Eight: the catch

Hate this episode too, but not because of the show. It’s because of the trapeze.

There was this travel show called Five Takes that I watched once because a co-worker was going to be on it, and the group was visiting New York. They had to pick one thing to do, and some idiot girl forced the whole group to do the flying trapeze because she had seen it on Sex and the City. I hate people like that. Can you not fly on a trapeze anywhere else in the world? Everyone else wanted to do something Manhattan-specific, and this bitch won out because it’s an art director’s dream. It’s like going to a seafood restaurant and ordering chicken.

Otherwise, I love the “Charlotte’s second wedding” episode (“I’m having a Jewish wedding and I look like Hitler!”). She hits Miranda in the back of the head with her bouquet, which is strangely similar to my own encounter with a hostile bouquet a couple of years ago.

Mommy needs two hands to eat her $8 cake

Episode Nine: a woman’s right to shoes

Tatum O’Neal — the original girly-tomboy from Bad News Bears. Such a bitch in this episode, especially when she says Carrie must have a lot of time on her hands to still be thinking about their fight.

I love love the way Carrie gets revenge for all the “celebrating life’s choices” gifts she’s given Kyra. And that Kyra gets told to keep her children away from the Manolos. It only seems fitting that she has a child named “Allegra.” Ha! That kid is going to get teased — she’s got the same name as an allergy medicine.