Features

I say journalism but I mean features…

Methinks someone is a little jelly.

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Episode Five: plus one is the loneliest number

I always got the two of hearts joke, but I never caught on that it was the jack of hearts (for Jack Berger) that she saw on the sidewalk outside Gray’s Papaya. The only way I knew that it was Gray’s Papaya was because of the reflection on the limo windows.

Costume designer Pat Field makes a cameo at Carrie’s book party. Isaac Mizrahi’s cameo is kind of lame, especially since he had to say his own name, so people would know who he was.

I also didn’t catch the gag where Samantha is reminded that she has to verbally tell people “I am so angry” after she’s been Botoxed, and then Enid (Candice Bergen) says exactly that when she sees her boyfriend at Carrie’s party. MPK pointed that out.

…and don't call boys.

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Episode Six: critical condition

This is the episode with Nina Katz, the face girl. She’s a total bitch, but Carrie shouldn’t feel threatened because she says dumb things like “I am starvation central.”

I love that Miranda and Samantha both scream at Carrie because they don’t have time to listen to her whine, and then Stanford tells her how selfish she is. Ha.

Yes, I have a question: this Mister Big character, does he have a real name?

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Episode Seven: the big journey

I don’t know if it was just me (and my hangover), but the four girls all look really ugly in this episode. And then S and C get on the train and complain about how ugly everybody in real America is.

They probably sent Samantha to SanFran alone with Carrie so the two actresses could work out their issues while filming together. That’s what I say, any way.

Carrie has her laptop set up on a different desk in this episode. It’s in front of a mirror that I had never noticed before until they did a close up of it earlier this season, so I’m thinking it’s a new prop for Carrie’s apartment that they were really proud of.

Carrie tells Mr. Big “What happened in New York was all my fault – I didn’t read the signs.” Well, there’s the first three seasons of the show explained away, easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

This party is going to be fantastic, strictly A-list. — Are we still invited? — Yes, but Shitty Pants there is not.

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Episode Eight: i love a charade

HATE the zsa zsa zsu. It’s such a stupid thing to say, then MPK has the audacity to commentate that everyone loved that phrase and he even saw it in a couple of articles. Bull shit.

He also mentions that the Carrie necklace disappears and reappears in very significant and symbolic ways. This episode is the first time she wears it all season, and it’s supposed to mean that she’s back in touch with her identity.

Turns out the theme for costuming the wedding scene is the Great Gatsby, which I didn’t catch and I love that book. Oh, wait. Maybe they mean the movie. Hate the movie.

Smile, gorgeous.

Without further ado, I give you Season 6.0…

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Hey, guess what. Jezebel/Gawker has a blog going about Sex and the City. It’s called “Living ViCarrieously,” and this girl is watching 36 straight hours of Sex and the City. Or rather, she’s finished now, but I can’t seem to find any postings beyond Season Three (I was so hungry for validation, I hallucinated a blog).

There’s also a link to a NYTimes article about a 27-year-old who believes she is the reincarnation of Carrie Bradshaw. But she can’t afford Manolos so she wears Steve Maddens — this is as bad as Candies, no? There’s some talk about the same “young girl in Manhattan” myth as well as discussion of a novel by Edith Wharton.

Because she idolizes Candice Bushnell and USES THE SHOW AS A ROAD MAP FOR HER OWN LIFE, this girl is what’s known as a “Scary Sadshaw,” to high-jack the term from Jezebel/Gawker folks.

I had to stop reading Gawker in recent months because they had almost daily posts about the SATC movie, and I can’t have that. But I’m really glad I happened to tune in and find the ViCarrieously stuff. It makes me feel not-crazy.

Still not sure what my plans are for the movie. I know I’m going to see it a second time, alone, on Sunday night as close to 8 p.m. as I can find a showing, and I’m going to bring a pen and my little notebook (yep, I’m a geek). But as for premiere watching, I’m torn. There is an 11:55 p.m. showing at the Drafthouse on Thursday, which would make me one of the first “real” people to see it. If you order a Cosmopolitan, which of course I will, you get to keep the novelty glass, and since I just broke my Jack Daniels tumbler by plunging it into a block of congealed ice cubes, the glassware would be nice. However, I do have a job to be at the next morning, and a midnight showing in Austin would put me in bed at 4 a.m. And then it’s like, why bother going to sleep at all?

I had planned to have watched Season Six in it’s entirety by now, but life gets in the way. So I’ll watch the second half of the season (eight episodes that aired separately) this week before the movie comes out. I may even do it marathon style, as an ode to Gawker.

My conservative doesn't have anything to do with wearing pearls.

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Episode One: to market, to market

The whole Charlotte becoming a Jew theme…SJP tells people that she and Matthew Broderick are “culturally Jewish.” Huh? Can I be culturally agnostic? That seems convenient; I believe in God, but I don’t want to follow any commandments.

Oh, the Aidan with a baby thing. This is sort of like that moment with Miranda when Steve asks her if she got the invitation. It just sucks the wind right out of you.

The thing is, there’s such a role reversal going on here. Imagine Carrie running into Aidan if she were heavily pregnant and had that whole with-child glow. I bet that stirs up some sort of primal anger in the male of the species — if our purpose is to propagate, then it must have really pissed off the cave men to see a former mate carrying another male’s child. Maybe?

But it’s Aidan, and he’s got the baby in a pouch. And when Carrie walks up, the baby squeals and looks really happy to be part of the hug. Or maybe that was because SJP was still a lactating female at that point?

Okay, this posting is turning into Sex Ed 101, so I’m going to move on.

…because I was a sex columnist, I was resourceful, and I was drunkity-drunk-drunk.

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Episode Two: great sexpectations

Ah, Berger. MPK is saying in his commentary that Berger was brought on the show because they wanted to put Carrie with someone like her – a wry writer. Ha.

Apparently the sales girl in La Perla got that part because she was such a huge fan of the show.

Okay, I always realized there were some similarities between my two favorite TV heroines, Carrie Bradshaw and Veronica Mars (“annoy, tiny blond one, annoy like the wind”). But this episode, for some reason, I almost forgot what show I was watching because SJP resembled Kristen Bell so closely. I don’t know what it was, maybe the side ponytail.

MPK says that Carrie hitting Berger in the face with her furry shoe was not scripted, but Ron Livingston just played it out. Nice.

Why did I have to get up on my sassy horse?

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Episode Four: pick-a-little, talk-a-little

Oh dear God. This is the “he’s just not that into you” episode. Boo. Hiss.

I didn’t think it was clever the first time around, and if I had known that the writer of this episode was going to write a book with that line as the title, I would have hated it more. No! Bad writer. But this guy obviously thinks he’s on to something clever, and now he’s being validated by Hollywood because they’re making this shit into a movie. Groan.

And about that sassy horse…this is the worst of the worst annoying SJP episodes. When Berger first says that line to Miranda, Carrie squeals. Then she tells Berger about the “scccccu-rrrrunch-eee.” Then she has to butter him up by saying how much she loved to book, referring to the “lampposts…landmarks…mileposts.” And she’s supposed to be a writer?

And finally, there’s the hat, which Berger insults and she retorts “it’s fabulous,” yet she takes the damn thing off. Wonder if the London premiere hat was a nod to this episode, when someone finally calls Carrie on her bullshit fashion.

I’m on a hater roll, so here’s some Charlottey goodness: “I gave up Christ for you,” “Set the date! Set the date!” and “Do you know how lucky you are to have me?”

On the plus side: You can barely hear it, but Smith tells Samantha he was “fucked up for like eight years in Seattle.” Oooh, a Kurt Cobain backstory to go with the Kurt Cobain hair. Seriously, I know Smith is on the show to give viewers my age a little eye-candy, but this guy is so hot that he’s painful to look at.